By Jonathan Grisham
I woke up this morning in a panic. I had another dream reminiscent of the cult I left so many years ago.
It’s been so long, why does this still bother me? I’m sure if you have left a cult- like church, this feeling resonates as well. After grounding myself in the present and physical (versus stuck in my mind), I wondered how many other survivors deal with this same issue?
Let me give you a little background on myself. I was raised Independent Fundamental Baptist (IFB) at Boeke Road Baptist Church of Evansville, Indiana, the ministry Faith Music Missions and Fundamental Baptist Books. I attended Southside Christian School, went on to attend Crown College of Powell, Tennessee, and finally finished my education at a properly accredited educational institution.
While I personally never experienced sexual abuse, I witnessed the aftermath. I was physically and mentally abused and experience deep regret as I actively was involved in the “ministry.”
My father, Rick Grisham, founder of Fundamental Baptist Books, is a convicted pedophile. His first wife left him, his kids were taken into state custody and then he lived his life as if he never did those things. I wasn’t even aware I had stepsisters until I was in my late twenties. We travelled from church to church, conference to conference. Never once was he questioned on his credentials to be behind a pulpit.
After coming out as gay, I was ostracized by nearly every person with whom I was acquainted. Parents kicked me out. Church kicked me out. There I was: at rock bottom. I felt like I had lost my faith. Everything I knew had been yanked from me. I had no social skills, no work skills, and no family or friends.
Twelve years later, I still struggle with some of the mental aspects. Yes, I have rectified my beliefs, have a stable marriage, own a home, have an amazing job and many other material and spiritual blessings. But then there’s that moment brought on by a conversation, an article or even some news about an old “church friend.”
All the anxiety and fear come rushing back. What if I’m completely wrong? What if they are actually right?
Do you follow my mental path there?
I say don’t give up. This life and our journey through it are a process. I take a mental step back and look at life then and now. Often a list of pros and cons is personally helpful. Whatever belief you may have gained or lost, take solace in that peace.
All right, circling back to that waking panic attack. Why do I still have them? According to my mental health counselor, I have a mild form of PTSD and a severe anxiety disorder. These episodes are mentally crippling at best or even physically debilitating at their worst.
I do want to pause right here and state that SO many others have had it worse than myself. I do NOT want to take away or minimize the horrible things that happened to others.
As we all know, our entire life is a journey of growth.
The term “deconstruct” has suddenly become a negative connotation when referring to spiritual reevaluation. When we grow, we have questions and when those questions do not have answers, the IFB has an issue. They discourage growth.
Now that we are (hopefully) out of that environment, we can grow and thrive! We take apart the man-made traditions and standards and hold them against what the Bible actually teaches, and we find the answers, if any, wanting. Is it two millennium of church tradition the IFB is unwilling to question, or do they truly just make up answers with obscure, misquoted portions of Scripture to back it up?
It’s taken twelve years to chip away at 20 years of brainwashing in the cult. I know many have moved to a different faith, became agnostic, or atheist. This process we are a part of is not an easy road. There are relatives, old church members, and others who will try and discourage you on your journey to find your true self and inner joy.
DO NOT LET THEM!
This is why I employ that list of pros and cons. When I get to feeling like everything in life is wrong, I pull out that list.
Where is my spiritual life now? Where is my mental health? How is my life going in general?
If I can answer those questions positively or even see an incremental growth over the cons, I’ve made another step. Each time you overcome negative feelings from the past, you’ve made another success. I found a calling to expose abuse and heretical theology within the IFB cult, founding Stop Pastoral Abuse, writing for several blogs and assisting people to find help, encouragement, and resources. We are run exclusively on volunteers and have a huge vision of change that we would like to accomplish. This is just one of many things that have been rewarding and fulfilling in my personal growth.
I’ve said it before, journeys take time and patience. We are all different and find various paths of healing. Don’t give up because you don’t see that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s there waiting for you! There is a huge network of IFB survivors on Facebook, many excellent blogs, and a growing number of publications for those recovering or leaving the IFB cult.
Our community of survivors is engaged and while we are all at different stages, the questions, venting, affirmations, successes and sometimes failures can all be celebrated or mourned together.
We don’t want to destroy the church; we want it reformed to make it safe and inclusive.
Jonathan Grisham is a survivor of the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement and
helps survivors with the nonprofit Stop Pastoral Abuse. You can learn more about this
organization by checking out their website and supporting their cause of exposing abuse,
supporting survivors, and their advocacy for abolishing the Statue of Limitations and
encouraging change in child protection laws.
The Vashti Initiative 