Content note: child sexual abuse, domestic violence, homophobia, conversion therapy attempts, forcing someone to not be gay, religious and spiritual abuse
By Whiltierna Wolfe
During my childhood and teen years, my baby brother was tortured by my cruel, selfish father in the Independent Fundamental Baptist movement. He was horribly abused.
I saw my father emasculate and humiliate his only son for being “too sensitive” and too soft because my father viewed him as “feminine” and weak.
When he was two-and-a-half, my father screamed at him and smacked him over and over for misusing a fork at the dinner table. My father demanded that he learn, immediately, just because that was his whim. Everyone at the table was sobbing. My mother tried to intervene, but my father “put her in her place.”
In our household, my father abused my brother like this often, into his teen years until he left home.
My mother tried to compensate for my father’s cruelty, treating him as more important than his older sisters.
This is just one example of how LGBTQIA children and young people are mistreated.
Our grandmother, “The Matriarch,” groomed my brother to be a perfect little Christian boy, spiritually and emotionally manipulating him. Although he was her favorite, she was also an unforgiving taskmaster with high standards no one could ever meet.
She and I were always at odds. In The Matriarch’s eyes, I could do nothing right, and my brother could do no wrong. I never understood this dynamic. Back then, I didn’t know about narcissism, the golden child and the scapegoat. I knew nothing about coercive control, cognitive dissonance and brainwashing.
All I saw was my brother being given preferential treatment, and I resented every minute of it. In an IFB family, you are groomed from birth to accept authority without question and to obey immediately. When you perform perfectly, you are praised. When you don’t, you soon find out how cruel and uncompromising an IFB parent, guardian, pastor, or teacher can be. You find out how much pain they can cause you, even without ever laying a hand on you.
Years later when we were adults, my brother told me he was also sexually abused by adults close to our family and in the church. Sadly, I was unaware of that until adulthood.
When he told me about that experience, he never revealed his abuser’s identity. He said, “If you think about it long enough, you’ll figure it out. Where did I spend most of my time? Who was I always with?”
He still felt he couldn’t speak this person’s name aloud. I’ve thought about this over the last 20 years. There’s only one possibility that remains constant to me, but I still can’t bring myself to say that name, even though that person is no longer living.
There’s another incident that no one talks about and no one was held accountable for over the last 30 years. I am retelling it to show you how backward and ugly the Independent Fundamental Baptist church is for people being abused and abuse survivors.
At the IFB church-school that my grandparents ran for over a decade, my brother was cornered in the men’s room by another student a little older than him. He was only seven years old, and the boy tried to sexually assault him. Another student stopped him and told my mother, who also volunteered at the school.
They reported it to the principal, my grandparents and the pastor. They called the boy’s parents and told them to come get him immediately, and they met with the parents later that evening, which resulted in the student and his older brother being expelled. His family quietly removed themselves from being associated with the IFB school. They did not attend the church and lived outside of town.
And that was it. No investigation. No reporting. No police or social workers. No CPS. No doctor or psychologist was contacted. No prayers were offered. No one asked my brother if he was OK afterward. Life went on. The whole event was swept under the rug as quickly as possible. Who knows how that pattern started, or what happened to the other boy. No one cared. Just get rid of the problem! Quiet the victim. Move on.
My mother was asked not to discuss it and not to call the local authorities. There were rumors and whispers at school because two students suddenly left without explanation, but no one dared dig into the reasons why. My grandmother was a fierce and formidable woman whom you did not cross. And of course, we were all warned not to make the church look badly. They didn’t need the bad press.
All I knew was that there was a lot of finger-pointing, anger, secrecy, and blame.
My brother was just a little boy who should have been treated with compassion and concern. But no. Not in the IFB world. And now I know he was being sexually abused by someone else at the same time.
No one who witnessed this or was involved all those years ago cared what happened to my brother. Those wounds still follow him today.
I am so angry that the church hates LGBTQ people, but they allow predators to call themselves “Christian” and prey on the littlest among them, the most vulnerable.
This is the stuff you hear about almost every day now, coming out of all church denominations, worldwide. But Christians think they have the right to judge and label the LGBTQIA community and tell them how they should live and who they should be? Hypocrites! Get your own house and lives and religion in order, and then we’ll talk.
Eventually, over the last decade, as I left religion behind and deconstructed my beliefs, Christianity, church, and the authenticity of the Bible, studying cult behavior and psychology, I came to the conclusion that I don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to love and accept my brother, gay or not! Shane doesn’t have to repent or miraculously change for me to love him and embrace him as a human being. I love my brother! The fact that he is gay is irrelevant. It changes nothing for me. It never will.
With all my heart, I wish it was the same in the rest of our family, but it’s not. I don’t know if it ever will be. Personally, I doubt that this pattern of selective blindness, deliberate ignorance, and cognitive dissonance will ever cease, but I haven’t given up completely.
I believe human eyes can be opened to the truth and cold hearts can change and warm. I believe my brother deserves better from his family.
For anyone else in the LGBTQ community struggling to be loved and accepted by unaccepting family, I just want you to know that I’m so sorry these religious denominations have dismissed you, misunderstood your motives, labeled you evil, insulted your intelligence, hated you and hurt you in the name of God.
There is no excuse for what’s been done to you and said about you. I’m so, so sorry people like this have tried to erase your humanity and devalue your lives. They were all wrong. Horribly, terribly wrong.
I’m not asking you to forgive anyone that hasn’t personally asked for it, and, frankly, doesn’t deserve it. You’ve already done more than enough of that in your lifetimes and experiences, of that I’m certain. Your forgiveness is precious. Use it wisely. Give it sparingly.
Please, please know, I see you. I hear you. I’ve seen your suffering. I know you are angry, and you have every right to be so. Your lives and loves are valid. You matter and your cause matters. You should have the same rights as every other citizen in this country and you should not have to live in fear of being attacked, or in hiding to make others comfortable.
Please, stay strong. Stay real. Stay safe. You are precious, you are beautiful, and we need you here on this planet.
You are worthy, you are valuable, and you are very truly loved just as you are.
The Vashti Initiative 