Deconstructing from fundamentalism finally allowed me to authentically love my brother who is gay: Part 3

Content note: child abuse, homophobia, Christian Nationalism, religious and spiritual abuse

By Whiltierna Wolfe

Continued from Part 2

Just because my brother is a gay man, he has been outed, shamed, manipulated, physically beaten up, shunned, abandoned, humiliated, cheated, gossiped about, kept from serving musically in an Independent Fundamental Baptist church, and had people assume many unsavory things about his character and his life. 

I have tried to put myself in his shoes, to imagine what all of that did to such a beautiful soul, but I can’t. I can’t even say that I understand what it means to be gay and not accepted, really, as a heterosexual, married woman. But I want to. 

And although I don’t personally understand what it would be like to be in my brother’s shoes, especially in the environment we grew up in, I’ve read medical and psychological journals, articles, blogs, and several books about LGBTQIA issues. 

I am not satisfied with most of the answers I find. Many are too one-size-fits-all or so technical that they lose personal nuance, as if everyone’s experiences in the LGBTQ community must be pretty much the same. 

I don’t know how it happens or how it all works, but what I do know is that my brother’s reasons for being gay are completely real and legitimate. 

Not because I have found any proof to back them up, but because I trust my brother to know himself best. I trust his judgment. I trust his experiences. More than anything, I trust his word. 

That’s good enough for me. Why isn’t it for other Christian people? Because a couple of Bible verses translated and retranslated, written and rewritten, twisted and misused a hundred times say otherwise? That’s not good enough! 

The way many Christians and churches treat the LGTBQ community leaves me furious, depressed and baffled. How is this in any way representative of the Jesus they say they love and who loves everyone?

I want to ask my brother: “What has this journey meant to you? As a gay man, what inspires you to carry on and be true to yourself? What things scare you or make you want to hide your real self? Am I doing any of these things? What can I change about my attitude and/or my actions to make you feel more loved and wanted?”

I don’t want to make assumptions. I don’t want to offend anyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone, like my brother has been hurt, with my own ignorance. I truly want to know what Shane’s life is like. But I don’t want to intrude just to satisfy my curiosity. I don’t want to cause more pain or embarrass him, but I do want more understanding and a deeper relationship with my baby brother. 

In the last 20 years, we’ve only talked about his life as a gay man maybe three or four times, ad only if he started the conversation. We’d talk about how he was doing, who he was dating, and how he was managing the complicated dynamics in our Independent Fundamental Baptist community. He’s always been gracious, open and honest with me, but neither of us felt comfortable talking about his life, relationships and identity often because of how we were trained to think and feel about LGBT people in the IFB church and school, by our own parents and grandparents.

I wonder if it hurts my brother that no one in our family asks if he’s happy, if he wants to get married or if he wants children. Does he ever want to talk about being gay with someone who knew him since the day he was born? Doesn’t he get tired of having to hide who he is from people who claim to love him and pretending his partner of eight years is just his “best friend,” like our mother says?

Shane is a kind, thoughtful, quirky Christian man. He’s been promoted several times at work and he’s a good cook. He loves camping, bowling, classic muscle cars and antiques, his two cats and his teenage daughter. 

Does his family feel tired of keeping our IFB relatives from asking hurtful questions, gossiping and being offended to avoid being attacked and shunned? It must be exhausting. 

Nearly everyone in our family and friends pretends my brother is not gay. Since my uncle forcibly outed him all those years ago and the vicious gossip died down, no one talks about it. It’s almost as if they’ve forgotten. No one says anything that would suggest he’s anything but an average single Christian man. Why? Because the Independent Fundamental Baptist interpretation of the Bible says so. 

Because of their literal interpretation of a passage in Romans, viewing the King James Bible with a heavily Calvinistic lens, they believe my handsome and talented brother is — wait for it — nothing but absolute and utter filth, unworthy of respect or empathy and destined for the pits of hell. Even though he still fully believes in Jesus Christ as his personal Savior. 

People in the IFB taught us that my brother is an utterly abhorrent and almost worthless human being — but God still loves him, even in his sin-infested state. In the IFB world, my brother is a literal “abomination.” 

If we still practiced their interpretation of Old Testament law today, like our father believes we should to keep America a “Christian Nation” and remain “blessed” by God, my brother would deserve to be put to death. 

They would rather he be isolated and forced into celibacy, without romantic or intimate love, without a life partner, just because he is a gay man. 

Although I was fully immersed in the Independent Fundamental Baptist Church until my mid-20s, I have always struggled with this. I questioned the extremism of this absolute and unrelenting doctrine, extrapolated from intentionally cherry-picking vague verses, taken out of context and inappropriately applied to our modern world. 

I doubt the Scriptures being used to support this belief and I doubt the people preaching them. I cannot believe that God sovereignly chose to let my brother become gay for his own divine plan, decided every LGBTQ person was bound for hell, and decided my brother’s life — and millions like his — is not worth living. It’s utterly ridiculous to me. 

I don’t really care about religion or their rules of engagement anymore. It’s just too much, and it’s wrong. 

I’ve had enough of religion and its hypocrites telling me how I should and shouldn’t behave, what to think, and who I can and cannot love, support, or applaud for their courage and strength, including my own brother. 

I don’t think the Jesus I believe in would have a problem with LGBTQ people. 

They act like they welcome the widows and orphans, those who are sick or addicted, or homeless, but a gay man and his husband? A transgender woman? They know Jesus said to accept everyone, but they don’t want anyone “acting gay” in their church, they don’t want to explain this to their children. Even if they don’t say it out loud, they think it. 

The LGTBQIA community deserves better. My brother deserves better. 

Most Christians forget these are people to be loved, not issues to be solved.

Read more: Part 4