Deconstructing from fundamentalism finally allowed me to authentically love my brother who is gay: Part 2

Content note: child abuse, homophobia, conversion therapy attempts, forcing someone to not be gay, suicidal ideation, religious and spiritual abuse

By Whiltierna Wolfe

Continued from Part 1

The next person to try to “fix” my baby brother was our IFB grandmother, when she was told about my brother’s “problem.”

She is our father’s mother and former IFB pastor’s wife, as well as our former IFB church-run school principal. She saw her chance to take charge of a wayward soul and to “save” Shane from the terrible influences of this sinful world — and take charge she did! 

When my brother couldn’t take any more abuse from my uncle and cousin, my grandmother or “The Matriarch,” as I call her, invited her beloved and favorite grandson to stay with them. My grandfather had already begun to suffer the symptoms of Alzheimer’s and my grandmother could use the help. 

At first, our grandmother seemed to be offering Shane a safe haven where he could recover from his ordeal and rest his nearly wrecked hands. Our grandmother had a stake in those hands — she was the one who gave him first music lessons at five years old. 

Shane believed he was dearly loved by our grandmother. He assumed long gone were the days of being subjected to her abusive mind control tactics and the spiritual manipulations of his childhood, so, why not give it a try? He could handle her. 

So my brother went to try to regain his sanity in a little country town in Northwestern Pennsylvania, never knowing what he was really in for, or that he would suffer even more abuse and guilt.

Later, he told me that our grandmother took it upon herself to become his overseer and spiritual mentor — the person who would finally settle his identity crisis once and for all. And she believed she would do it the right way — The IFB way!

She thought the Bible was all her backward grandson would need to get back on the straight and narrow path and to be transformed back into the “straight” man of God she envisioned that he was since he was born.

With more Scripture and prayer and self-discipline — oh, and don’t forget that all-important step, repentance, for his supposedly rebelliousness and wicked ways — the prodigal grandchild would be reborn into the very image of Calvin himself! If he confessed his “sinful choices,” making a heartfelt return to the Lord, our grandmother was certain Shane’s desires would change and his “homosexual” thoughts would end and never return.

My brother, bless his devoted heart, submitted himself to this woman’s unimaginably intrusive and ill-fated attempts to use religion to fix him. He tried his damnedest to please her and God — but months passed and the pressure to become someone and something he was not only grew.

He tried harder, only to be met with even greater stress and emotional strain as he tried to bury and hide his true self behind the mask of church, hymn songs, and Bible studies. 

Eventually, unable to take any more of our grandmother’s meddling, her lack of understanding, and the ridiculous rules she made for him, always chasing, always pushing, he crumbled beneath the weight of the constant nagging. Finally, he found the courage to move back to the city where the rest of us lived. 

Despite all of his attempts to “gain control” of being gay, Shane is still gay. Religion didn’t fix him. Prayer didn’t solve it.

The “truth of scripture” and “God’s grace” didn’t magically change my brother’s feelings or focus his sexual attraction back on women.

Being IFB wasn’t a cure for being gay. Reading the KJV Bible didn’t work. Believing in TULIP, the five points of Calvinism, were useless. It didn’t work.

None of it worked and the rest of the family just blamed Shane, believing he just was not dedicated enough, or he didn’t desire freedom from his sin enough, or he just didn’t love the Lord enough — they made me sick! I don’t know how he endured it, I really don’t. 

I thought he was so much kinder and stronger than any of them! He was more gracious and more compassionate. Even in anger, in retreat, shamed and guilt-tripped, Shane maintained his character and integrity all the way. I was so proud of him!

He was labeled many things, none of them pleasant or even close to anything accurate, but my brave little brother moved on without any real family to support his decision to be his most authentic and gay self. He chose to love himself when no one else would, not if he was openly gay. 

Being gay, or any of the LGBTQIA distinctives, in an IFB family, you may as well sign your own writ of exile or fake your own death, because they will treat you as if you already died anyway.

They will never understand the depth of the painful journey to accepting yourself, the opportunities you lose, and the people along with them. They will never be satisfied with your reasons why, the biological science or the medical or psychological explanations given. None of it compares with their all-knowing, inerrant, Spirit-inspired, 100 percent accurate, never-wrong Bible! God’s Word says it, and, in their opinion, you can’t argue with that.

The tragic facts are, an IFB entrenched family cannot accept a LGTBQIA person as they are, because it doesn’t fit with their beliefs or their politics, period.

And, to them, it will always be about aligning with their beliefs and their political views. Always.

Read more: Part 3