By Megan Benninger
I’ve experienced so much spiritual abuse in my lifetime! Seriously, I’m a spiritual abuse poster child.
I was raised in a very controlling, legalistic church and Christian school. After being thoroughly primed to submit to and obey my authorities without question, I moved on to a Christian college where I met my husband, and we became involved in a full-fledged cult for two years. (You can read our cult story here).
Once we got free from cult madness, we jumped from the frying pan into the fire and joined an abusive charismatic church for seven years. It was pretty much just like the cult, except without the communal living. When that went sour, we still weren’t ready to give up.
We figured we just needed to return to the basics, so we joined a conservative Baptist church that soon became an SBC church. That one ended in disaster 12 years later when we discovered one of our pastors was a convicted child molester and we blew the whistle. That story made it onto the front page of USA Today.
Believe it or not, we still didn’t give up on church. We found a local congregation we thought we could handle and jumped in. After all, we weren’t going to let a few bad men destroy our faith, right?
We made it about a year in that new church, but were experiencing significant trauma responses every Sunday. Both my husband’s therapist and my therapist recommended we take a break so that we could heal.
They explained that it is sometimes impossible to heal in the atmosphere where you experienced abuse. My husband’s therapist said it’s like trying to heal from a burn while playing with fire.
So, we finally took a break. And boy was it worth it! We have finally begun to really heal. I discovered I had something called trauma bonding with the church.
Apparently, it takes up to six months of separation to break trauma bonds and be able to think clearly about a person or situation you have an unhealthy attachment to. Sure enough, at about the six month point, I felt like a completely different and very free person!
I’ve been on the deconstruction road ever since, questioning everything I’ve ever been taught. It’s both exhausting and exhilarating!
I’ve learned to reconnect to my intuition, and I’ve gained self-confidence that I’ve never had. I don’t foresee myself returning to any church ever, but never say never.
One of the most fantastic things I learned after all this trauma finally came to an end was the concept of post-traumatic growth. There is actual scientific evidence that proves people can grow and thrive even after experiencing devastating trauma like severe illness, death of a loved one, or even sexual assault.
This was so encouraging to me because at that time I felt my life was ending and all I had to look forward to was a lifetime of PTSD. But in fact:
“Studies show that the majority of trauma survivors do not develop PTSD, and a large number even report growth from their experience.”
Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun coined the term “posttraumatic growth” to capture this phenomenon, defining it as the positive psychological change that is experienced as a result of the struggle with highly challenging life circumstances.
These seven areas of growth have been reported to spring from adversity:
- Greater appreciation of life
- Greater appreciation and strengthening of close relationships
- Increased compassion and altruism
- The identification of new possibilities or a purpose in life
- Greater awareness and utilization of personal strengths
- Enhanced spiritual development
- Creative growth.” (find more here)
While I do still struggle with some PTSD, I feel so much hope knowing that I am and will keep getting better.
Some of the best post-traumatic growth advice given to me during the darkest time of being both shunned and attacked by my Baptist church came from advocate Jimmy Hinton. I had asked him if he had any advice about moving on and getting over the profound hurt. Here’s what he said:
“It’s tough to move past it sometimes, especially where there is no repentance. I focus on helping the wounded. I’ve been talking in my morning class about Jesus and his followers being on mission. They had a clear mission to minister to the broken. They didn’t have time or waste energy on the people who antagonized them. Their mission was marked out for them and they were laser focused on it. That has really helped me to move beyond the people who have hurt me in the worst possible way.”
I was far too hurt to put any of that advice into practice at the time, but it stuck with me. Many months later, I could finally start to move past my own agony. I began to read the stories of other church abuse victims and feel their pain and give them my solidarity.
Eventually, I had the energy to take an advocacy course, and shortly after that my husband and I created BaptistAccountability.org, a database that helps track abusers in Baptist churches and institutions. I was finally able to channel my anger into some good.
(Side note: Anger is a healthy emotion and signals that we have self love and desire justice.)
I still spend my days feeling passionate and sometimes angry about all I’ve experienced, but I use it now as motivation and fuel for the fire to help others.
If you are feeling angry and hopeless right now from the abuse you suffered in church, be encouraged. There is hope! In time, your misery can become empathy for others going through similar pain.
Your story can light their paths.
The Vashti Initiative 